Nothing Sacred
by Philosopher
Summary: “You dumped Legolas? But you two were like sooo made for each other!”
1. And Lo There Was Tonks

**Disclaimer of Disclaimer:**

I do not own this disclaimer. Shakespeare dose. If he wants to sue me he'll have to wait until I'm dead.

**Disclaimer:**

_"I_**_f we shadows have offended,_**

**_Think but this, and all is mended,_**

**_That you have but slumbered here_**

**While these visions did appear**

**_And this weak and idle theme_**

**_No more yielding but a dream,_**

**_Gentles, do not reprehend:_**

**_if you pardon, we will mend:_**

**_And, as I am an honest Puck,_**

**_If we have unearned luck_**

**_Now to scape the serpent's tongue,_**

**_We will make amends ere long;_**

**_Else the Puck a liar call;_**

**_So, good night unto you all._**

**_Give me your hands, if we be friends,_**

**_And Robin shall restore amends."_**

**(From the end of "A Midsummer Night's Dream")**

**"Nothing Sacred"******

**by Philosopher**

Due to last year's lice infestation fiasco the sorting hat was not to actually be placed directly on anyone's head this year. Instead he was placed _beside_ the children one by one while he administered a personality quiz from "Hot Witch Monthly".

"Let's see now." The hat said, "You are walking down the street and discover a puppy that appears to be lost. Do you:

A. Keep it because dogs are loyal?

B. Put it in a tree so you can rescue it?

C. Use it as a lab subject to further the cause of science?

or D. Kick it?"

"Humm." The girl in the chair put a finger to her lip and pondered the question. "Well that all depends doesn't it? Would using it as an experiment make me a _rich_ scientist?"

"No. Strictly for the pursuit of knowledge." The Ravenclaw table nodded in agreement.

"Kick it. Final answer."

"SLYTHERIN!!!" The Slytherin table applauded.

Harry was reminded of his sorting. God that was a sorted affair. I mean not _sorted_ of course... Never mind. The point is he was depressed.

"Why is he depressed?" Ron asked the narrator. I was just coming to that. He was depressed because...

"Because the hat said I should be Slytherin." Harry finished.

"You shouldn't worry yourself about that, Harry." Said Hermione.

"But, Hermione, If I hadn't refused the hat that day I'd be sitting with _them_ right now." He jerked his head toward the Slytherins.

"Yeah and if Snape were an Indian then his name would be 'Speaking Bull' but what has that got to do with anything?"

Harry's jaw dropped open and he snapped his head back to look at her. "Oh my God! Hermione! That's terrible! How could you be so politically incorrect?"

"Awe, it's okay. I can say that sorta thing cause I'm part Native American myself."

Ron perked up at this revelation. "Really?" He raised his hand as if to take an oath. "How."

"What do you mean 'how'? My dad's mum was Cherokee. That's how."

"No I mean..." He pointed dumbly at his raised hand. "Forget it."

"And now that we are all seated. I have a few announcements." Said Dumbledore. "First of all the Forbidden Forest is strictly off limits to anyone who does not wish to get their end trails ripped out and nailed to a door post like a festive holiday garland. For those who _do_ please see Professor Snape after dinner. Also do not go anywhere near the Chamber of Secrets. Oooo and stay clear of the room with Fluffy. Oh yes and the whomping will... You know what? Just go home. It's safer. Just go!" He began to wave his arms around. When no one left he sighed and went on, "Secondly..."

"Uh oh." Ron said.

"Here it comes." Harry muttered.

"I would like to welcome our new Defense Against the Dark Arts instructor." There was a collective groan.

Neville raised a shaky hand.

"Yes Mr. Longbottom? You have a question?"

"Is he evil?"

"Oh my Heavens. No. He is and old friend of mine as well as a highly respected colleague and I trust him implicitly." Putting a hand to his chest he added, "I dare say with my very soul."

Every one heaved a sigh of relief.

"Now please welcome Prof. Darth Vader."

The lights went out as a blast of loud music queued up. Dum dum da dum da da dum dum da dum. The Hufflepuffs actually screamed in unison. A spot light flew randomly around the crowed hall until it finally landed on the doors. They flew open releasing a heavy fog not unlike the kind used in wrestling matches. Vader emerged and the music followed in his wake, along with a few puddles released from the first years, right up until he took his seat. The lights came back up.

Dumbledore slapped him heartily on the shoulder. "Darth, you old carpetbagger, you old fart, I haven't seen you in a... well it must have been a long time ago in a galaxy far, far away. How the hell ave 'ya been?!"

"kuuuuuhhhhhh puuuuhhhh" (breathing)

"Oh my you sound winded. Well you must be tired after your long trip. I'll just let you sit there and rest." Then he turned back to the students. "And last but not least the author of this fiction wishes to shamelessly use this time to fly in the face of 'separation of church and state' by introducing your impressionable young minds to a new cult."

There were gasps in the crowd. This was unheard of. Mary-Sues were dealt with very strictly these days. They were made to sit in the corner and keep it shut until the year was over. Everyone seemed happy with this little 'arrangement'. Why change it now?

"I have permited her to do so under the condition that she keep a low profile through out the story." Dumbledore answered their unspoken pleas to not let this happen.

Philosopher, a short, dark, and chubby woman in her mid-twenties, stood and crossed over to a podium that wasn't there a moment ago. "Thank you, Albus. But for future reference I prefer to call it an 'unrecognized sect'."

Vader was staring... nay _glaring_ at poor Professor Flitwick.

"And now," She said. "A select passage from 'Harry Potter and The Order of The Phoenix'. Chapter 1." She placed a book on the podium, opened it to a marked page and thrust her right arm in the air like a preacher. With her left hand she pointed to each word as she read:

_"And lo a cry was taken up throughout the fandom,_

_'Send unto us a cool witch in our own age demographic!'_

_At this JKR was greatly moved with pity..."_

"Wait a minute!" Hermione shot her hand up but didn't wait to be called on, after all this wasn't even a real teacher. "That's not from Order of the Phoenix. I should know. I've read it more times than "Hogwarts: A History".

"Er hem. Yes well." Philosopher cleared her throat. "It_ has _been translated in over 60 languages. Some prefer The King James version or in the ancient Rowling tongue but I'm reading from Today's Modern Phoenix. Where was I?

'...And behold a voice came down from The Publisher saying,

'Let there be Tonks!'

And **there was** Tonks.

And this was good."

"Oi." Ron said leaning over to Harry. "Is that supposed to be a Mary-Sue." The trio looked over to the Mary-Sues in the corner, something they rarely did. There was an the urban legend that if you looked directly at them you would go blind from their dazzling beauty. Then they looked back at the woman speaking. She had messy short hair that was straight save for two curls that wouldn't go down.

"Hum." Hermione studied the woman. "The hair's not right and she's wearing thick glasses but I'm sure those are dark circles under them from too many nights at the computer sucking down dr. peppers and reading fan fiction. Plus I'm still here, still not evil, and she's not my new best friend so..."

"It can go either way." Harry concluded.

Flitwick looked ready to jump out of his chair because Vader was still staring. "WHAT?!" He finally asked. "You got something against pointy eared short guys that can levitate things?"

"Yes. Yes I do."


	2. Woe Is Me!

The next day Harry was far from being off to a good start. It began at breakfast.

"Oh Dobby." He said to the meek little elf. "I asked for tea not coco."

Dobby looked into the cup and sure enough he had mixed up the order. "Dobby apologizes for his mistake." Whack! A chair slammed into Harry's back.

"DOBBY?! What the heck did you do that for!"

"Dobby realizes that his masochistic tendencies go back to Doby's troubled childhood. Dobby's therapist advises Dobby to express himself without '_self_-mutilation'." He explained calmly.

"Oh and Dobby forgot to make Potter's bed this morning."

"No! No! That's okay really!" Whack!

With a hopeful smile the little guy added, "At the end of Doby's twelve step program he will be able to speak of himself in the first person."

Later Harry was sitting in his first class of the day doodling the word Tonks inside elaborate hearts when he was snapped back to reality by Vader's booming voice.

"You are a member of Dumbledore's Army are you not?" Thankfully he was addressing another student.

"Yep I'm a Dumb A and proud of it. Why?"

"You are a part of the rebel alliance and a traitor! Fifty points from Hufflepuff. Now for twenty points, name a target a military target. Then name the system."

"Did we cover that?"

"You have failed me for the last time." Vader said slowly raising his hand.

Harry went back to his doodles. He would have preferred to do a portrait but he had no idea what she looked like. Suddenly a shadow fell over him and he looked up to see that Vader had shifted his attention to the boy who lived and is living and is going to live until he lives no more.

Harry, not knowing what to do or say just sat there terrified. "kuuuhhh puuuhhh" Was all that came from the Dark Lord. "kuuuhhh puuuhhh" The teacher reached for something under his cape.

"_A wand?"_ Harry thought. _"A futuristic weapon of some sort." _

"kuuuhhh puuuhhh" The man's hand emerged with something clutched in his fist. He shook it as one might shake an orange juice. Then he raised it to his face, took a deep breath and held it for a few seconds. "Ah that's better." He said. "Damn asthma. The force is strong with you. Tell me have you considered becoming Slytherin?"

"Uh."

"COME with me!" Vader slammed one hand on Harry's desk and shook his fist in the boy's face. "Together we will rule the universe as master and apprentice."

_"Something tells me this day isn't going to get any better."_ Was Harry's last coherent thought before fainting dead away.

"Woe is me." Harry moaned as he leaned against a wall outside the infirmary.

"Hey!" Came a voice from behind. "No you're not. _I'm_ Woe, Cho's brother."

"Oh. Sorry." Harry apologized to the now retreating form.

"Something wrong Harry?"

"Professor Dumbledore. No it's nothing." Dumbledore approached him from the other end of the hall holding a can of what Harry could only guess was Ensure.

"Come now, Harry, you can't fool this old man. I should think I know by now when something's troubling you." Good old Dumbledore. He always knew what to say and when to say it.

"It's just I don't really know where I belong any more. Yesterday at the sorting I thought to myself 'I'd kick the puppy if it were in my way.' But ultimately it would be more satisfying to stick it up a tree and play the hero.' You see? How do I know who I am and who my friends are?"

Dumbledore placed a reassuring hand on Harry's shoulder and with that trademark twinkle in his eye said, "Love Harry. Love is what binds and protects you and your friends. And it is their love for you and your love for them that... Fiddlesticks. It would appear I've wet myself. When nine hundred years old _you_ reach hold your liquor _you_ will not. Mmm." Hum maybe that wasn't Ensure.

"Sorry. Late for my next class. Got to go. Bye." Harry sputtered desperate to get out of that situation.

"Good luck Harry. I hear Hagrid has something extra special planned for you today."

Just as Harry reached a landing on the moving staircases Margaret Thatcher came bounding down from above. Literally she was bounding down like an avalanche. And that, ladies and gents, was how Harry Potter 'Boy Who Lived' knew that this was _not_ a former leader of the free world but his own true love.

_"Ahhh Tonks." _Harry thought. It seemed as if the whole world slowed down and music played in his head as she came tumbling head over heals_. "You're just to good to be true." _Bump_. "Can't take my eyes off of you." _Bump. Bump_. _"_You'd be like heaven to touch_." He stretched out his arms in anticipation of the moment when her fall would be safely broken by his muscular form. Bump_ "I wanna hold you so much."_

The staircase shifted and she flew right past him, through the doors, and down the hall. "Oh bother." Harry said as he went to fetch her.

"Alright, Tonks?"

"Wotcher, Harry. I'm fine. 'Ere, they used to have a special elevator just for me. Wonder where _it's_ got to."

"What are you doing here... like that?"

"It's a fan fic, Harry, not canon. If I had a reason to be here it would be far too convenient. You know something like, 'you discover you're latent metamorph and only I can teach you how to use it'. Some rubbish like that. Anyway, 'ow's this story supposed to get on without me?"

"Good point."

"As for the get up, I'm undercover. Thought I'd keep a low profile."

"As Margaret Thatcher?"

"What's your point? Anyway Dumbledore wants to spy on you for your own protection and I'm the only one what can pull it off, giving us an opportunity to bond."

"Convenient."

"Yeah well... So where's your next class?" The lights went down again and the ominous music from the night before started up. "Oops. Gotta go." Dum dum da dum da da dum dum da dum. Vader was coming right this way. He stopped infront of Harry.

"If you will not join Slytherin," He said, "then perhaps... sister. Yes. You have a twin sister."

"Sure several." Harry jerked his head towards the Mary-Sues down the hall. "Pretty hard on my mum that was. Twenty seven hours in labor." He whistled.

Upon arriving late to his Care of Magical Creatures class outside, Harry noticed what all the other students had been speculating over for the past fifteen minutes. There appeared to be a large cage about half the size of the common room and it was covered in a purple velvet cloak. "Right then. Everyone present and accounted for?" Hagrid surveyed his class breifly. "Where's Malfoy? Come to that, where are _all_ the Slytherins?"

"Don't think they're coming." Ron said. Privately he whispered to Hermione, "Those gits. They've never shown any respect for Hagrid. Now they're just not showing up at all."

"Well can't wait forever." Hagrid moved on. "An' I'm sure you're all diein' to know what's under that cloak." The students nodded eagerly. "Well here's a hint. It's a species recently discovered to have extraordinary properties." Hermione's curiosity became down right ravenous at that point. He paused for dramatic effect before walking over to the cage. "And now I'm pleased to present to you..." He whipped off the cloak. "The Egotistous Femaleious." The cage was full of beautiful exotic girls. "Commonly known as your house hold 'Mary-Sue'."

"Get-out!" One of the girls could be heard saying to another, "You _dumped_ Legolas? But you two were like sooo made for each other!"

"I know. I just felt I had out grown the relationship."

"Humm. Sad."

"Totally. 'Sides he wanted me to like go to the Grey Havens with him."

"Shyaaa! Like that's gonna happen."

Hermione had her hand up in a second. "Yes?" Hagrid asked.

"I'm sorry Hagrid but I've read through all the texts and there is no mention of a Mary-Sue being of _any_ use to the wizarding world."

"Ah well. Ere's been a few discoveries since em books have been written. Turns out, see, that you can mine the flecks of gold in 'eir eyes. Takes a couple thousand to get a single nugget but at's awright. They multiply like rabbits."

"How horrible! How inhumane!"

"Calm down now Hermione. They love using their unique abilities to make the ultimate sacrifice. Means they can be grieved n' mourned by their lovers. 'Sides they always come back like a bleedin phoenix."

"Or a cockroach for that matter." Ron muttered.

"That _doesn't_ make it right. I'm surprised at you, Hagrid. How can you condone this..."

"Wow she's so passionate about this." One of the Sues spoke up. "It almost makes up for the water retention thing."

"Bring 'um to the slaughter." Hermione dead panned.

Hagrid opened the cage and lured one out with a Bratz Doll. "Right. Now, Ron, you first. Step up and bow."

"But, Hagrid!" Ron complained.

"Now now. I won't like to take points for this." Ron stepped up.

The girl strolled up to him with her hands behind her back and said, "Hiya! I'm Sapphire Sue. I just moved here from America and I'm looking for my long lost twin brother." He groaned and rolled his eyes.

"Right." Said Hagrid. "Now you must bow to 'er n' say, 'She speaks! Oh speak again bright angel for thou art as glorious to this night being o'er my head as a winged messenger of heaven unto the white unturned wandering eyes of mortals.'"

"Awe, Hagrid, do I have to?" Ron whined. Saphire Sue became visibly upset by his reaction and began to neigh and stamp the ground. Thinking quickly Hagrid jumped between the two and pulled out a hand full of lip gloss and diet sodas. He tossed them at Saphire Sue and she was quickly placated.

"Ayyy. Down girl. Doooown." It was too late. The other Sue's had begun rattling around and climbing the bars.

"Hermione," Hagrid called. "Would you get me that box of Avril Lavine CD's over there? This is going to take a bit of doing."


	3. Cult Classic and Twins!

Harry was crossing the grounds on his way back to the castle when he heard a familiar voice.

_"And for forty days and forty nights the fans did wander the net without food or sleep._

_And among them they did commit great and terrible clichés with their Original Character's and their Out Of Character's and their lemons."_

It was that author woman, Philosopher. She was sitting in a tree surrounded by a group of students wearing pink wigs and pink robes. Some were dancing around and shaking tambourines as though in a trance. The rest were lying on the ground like a picnic. The powerful sent of incense assaulted his nose, which seemed to be covering another odd sent. Although he was curious, Harry dared not come near.

"A second reading from the Fifth Book of Potter according to Ginny:

_'But it is not good for a Tonks to be alone. And so, Rowling did  place her into a deep sleep and removed one rib from her side. And from that rib she begat Luna Lovegood. And this was good... Lovegood actually.'_"

"Potter!" Another familiar voice came from behind. "If you insist on dawdling between classes then I must insist on taking fifty points for every minute you are late."

"Snape?" Harry replied. "I haven't seen you since the start of the year."

"Yes well I've been keeping a low profile." Mentally he added, _"With all my illegitimate daughters from America running around this place, I've had to dodge a lot of law suites."_

That's when the potions professor caught sight of the spectacle just past Harry. "Perhaps we should have Finch bring out his bucket. There's appears to be a problem with the Mary-Sewage."

Snape was about to walk off when he stopped and scarcely regarded Harry over his shoulder, "By the way," He clasped his hands in front of him. "You haven't seen any of the Slytherin House out here have you?"

"No. Come to think of it. They weren't at Hagrid's class this morning either."

"It's that Vader!" Snape hissed much the same way Jerry would say 'Newman' and vice versa. "He's been giving them a special _'extra credit'_ assignment during their regular classes. Some of them are never heard from again."

"Brother Malfoy," Philosopher was overheard saying, "I believe it's your turn to do the honor of handing out the Weird Sisters tee shirts?

"_Brother Malfoy?!" _Snape and Harry both yelled and spun around at the same time. Sure enough a closer inspection revealed mostly Slytherins under those wigs.

"Dear God, boy!" Snape charged up to Malfoy and grabbed him by the arm. "Think what your father would say."

"Awe my old man ain't with it, man." He answered shrugging off the heavy hand. "He's from another time, man. Are you diggin' me brother? Are you pickin' up what I'm puttin' down?"

 "But she's a..." The tall greasy man lowered his head as well as his voice. "She's a Sue."

"Tonks? Naaaaw, man! Just cause she purified our hearts like a shard of the Shikon Jewel, that don't make her a Sue!"

A few murmurs of "Solid." and "Right on." came from behind him.

Harry was looking the other boy over. "Draco you really have changed. You used to be such a git." He said. "Now you're a truly pathetic and frightening git."

The _real_ Draco almost resurfaced long enough to punch Harry square in the nose. But alas Cult Draco managed to quell the storm inside.

"Peace, my misguided brother." The boy spread his arms wide. For a moment Harry was afraid the blonde was going to hug him. "Violence begets violence."

Arms still open, he pointed at himself with both hands and added, "And you don't want to _'begetting' _none of this."

"Mmmm hm." Snape snapped his fingers three times in a zigzag pattern. "He straight up punked you."

"Brothers. Brothers please." Philosopher hopped down from the tree and intervened. "The good word of the Phoenix should never be used to condone random acts of OOC."

"Alright. Alright. I should apologize." Harry offered. "After all this _is_ a Tonks cult and I can't really say I blame you."

Draco gave him a suspicious look. "Wut you talkin 'bout, Harry?"

"Well I do fancy her a bit." Suddenly Draco looked dejected.

"What?!" He yanked off the pink wig. "You-are-kidding me."

"What? What's the problem."

"What's the problem?! What-is-the-problem. I'll tell you what _the problem_ is, Potty." He was now slipping back into character and pulling off the robes as well. "Think about it. She's already got the exotic hair and eyes not to mention a unique power. She's my never before mentioned cousin. Heck she's even your godfather's cousin for pity's sake! Your falling for her was the final straw. She _is_ a Sue!"

In a sudden panic the crowd of cultists began running around and tearing at their robes all the while screaming things like, "I feel so disillusioned! Is there _nothing_ sacred?"

"Come back!" Philosopher cried. "Do not despair! She is canon!" She gave up and dropped her shoulders. Sigh "And they did wail and beat their breasts."

Having had enough insanity for one day Harry started to hurry on to his next class. Just then a girl approached him. She had long strawberry blonde hair, ruby lips, and large boobies that were scarcely controlled by a form fitting top. _"What is strawberry blonde anyway?"_ He thought._ "Is that like blonde with seeds? I don't get it."_

Harry didn't wish to make eye contact and not for just the normal reasons a boy doesn't make eye contact with a girl like that. It was one of the first things they learned in DADA. Looking a Mary-Sue in the eyes was like peering over the edge of the Grand Canyon. People tended to fall into them._ "Hey I know. There should be a kiwi banana blonde."_

"Oi." She said to him. "What's got into that lot?"

"Tonks?" Chancing a look at the eyes he confirmed his suspicions.

"No flecks of gold today?"

"Ah. Nah. You kidding me? You ever get a fleck of gold in your eye? It's rather painful. Once knew a fanfic writer, I did, tried to have one surgically implanted."

"Yeah? What happened?"

"'Er lids swelled shut."

"Dear Lord."

"Yeah. So anyway, don't worry 'bout sneaking in late to you're next class. Already showed up there as you and snuck out again."

"That's great thanks." They walked in silence for a while. Tonks had shifted back to her real face, the face that Harry preferred, the face that hid nothing of her true self, the face he suspected she only showed him, the face that looked a little like George Bush if he squinted eyes and tilted his head.

"Tonks."

"Yes, Harry."

"Ask you a question?"

"Don't you worry 'bout the asking. I'm the one what's got to answer, nay."

"Ha. That's true I guess."

"Well?"

"Oh right. The question. Um I just wanted to know why."

"Why what?"

Harry's cheeks flushed. They always flushed because it's annoying when people forget to flush. "Why are you so good to me?" They both stopped walking and turned to look each other in the eye. He was careful not to squint or tilt his head. She was puzzled. "I mean, I know you're supposed to protect me and all but, why do you go out of your way to help me?"

"Well Harry, I guess the truth is you see, it's simply because I lo..."

_"Oh God."_ He thought. _"Is she really going to say it?"_

"Yes?" He prodded as she now appeared to be fascinated with her right shoe. Which was understandable because it was really quite a fascinating shoe. The rainbow laces were impeccable and the charms exquisite and don't get me started on the canvas. But I digress.

"I love helping you an-and I er I love... caring about you and..."

Harry clasped her hands in his own. "Yes? Yes? AND?"

"And the _TWINS!"_Fred and George jumped out of some bushes, with about thirty other kids, shaking red and gold pom-poms and dancing on either side of Tonks.

"I - love

Red heads who can flirt

Slytherins eating dirt

Gryphindor always wins"

"With the twins!" They all shouted.

George began waving a cowboy hat in the air and pretended to be riding a mechanical bull. At this several near by girls screamed and fainted, in a good way ;) . Harry fell down in shock like a badly drawn anime character.

Harry walked into the common room after his last class where he found Hermione reading in one of the overstuffed chairs by the fireplace.

Ron was seated in the other as he glanced helplessly between his one-armed Krum doll and an upside-down copy of "Voodoo For Complete Idiots". As Harry passed him by he helped the boy out by rotating the book. A look of sudden revelation lit up his best friends face. "Thanks, Mate!"

"Don't mention it." Harry wanted nothing better than to flop down on the couch but it was full so he sat cross-legged on the floor. "Criss-Cross applesauce." He mumbled under his breath. Dead useful the things they drill into your soft young head in kinder.

"Hermione," Said Ron. "this book is useless. I think I'll return it when you return yours."

"Why?" Harry asked Her. "What's wrong with yours."

"Oh nothing really. Just thought it was something else, you see. I'd bought it for my mum and dad. The cover said, 'When Your Daughter Turns Into A Witch'."

"Yeah?"

"Turns out it was a muggle parenting guide to teenage hormones."

The twins came in still holding pom-poms, bouncing to an imaginary beat, and humming. "um um um um um...with the twins.."

"Feh." Ron huffed. "Who reads books any more when there's fanfiction. Don't look at me like that, Mione. I've learned to use slang in Japanese. That's more useful then _your_ lousy books."

"How could you possibly presume to back up that argument?"

"Baka onna."

"What?"

"Baka onna."

She squinted at him for a while. "If that's suppo.."

"Baka onna."

"Urh!" Hermione went back to reading. "Really."

"I don't know, Mione," Harry spoke up. "I kinda like those 'Harry-becomes-a-God-among-men' fics myself."

"Newsflash, Harry, you're the only one who does." She shot without looking up.

"God Among Men?" Ron asked arching one eyebrow. He never arched both. Red hair and two arches would surely be mistaken for a Micky D's drive thru. "Ere. What are you on about, Harry? Is that one o' them stories where you run away n' become a vampire who snogs all the girls and tells the Order to sod off?"

"Usually its a metamorph." Fred corrected. "But a vampire will do in a pinch." He put his hands in the air as if quoting the headline news. " Harry gets new powers!  Most common summary on the net. Well except of course for A new girl comes to Hogwarts.

"I hate those." Ron scowled. "They always write me OOC. I mean all I do in them is yell and turn red."

"How's that out of character?" George Chortled.

"I do _not_ loose my temper." Ron went from scowling to seething. Hermione dropped her text book.

"Since when?" She huffed. He looked at her in shock.

"Oh trust me, you've never _seen_ me angry." A familiar red blush was creeping up into his neck and ears.

"Ronald Weasly, you are _by far_ the most ill tempered..." His whole face was turning red. "...hot headed individual I have _ever_ meet in all my life."

"You wouldn't like me very much when I _am_ angry." He growled. Ignoring the comment she picked up her book and began to read again.

If it were possible, Ron's face seemed to turn an even brighter shade of scarlet. Which would be quite a frightening thing to witness any given day, but it didn't stop there, no. His whole body went red, his eyes became yellow, his muscles began to bulge.

"ARRG!!" Before anyone knew what was happening his clothes had been ripped to shreds save for his pants which had become shorts somehow. "RON MAD! ARRG!"

"Now you've done it!" Fred rebuked a stunned Hermione. "Haven't seen him like this since we lined his jocky shorts with icy-hot!" Hulk-Ron picked up Seamus and chucked him at the wall.

"Ron sorry." He apologized to the Irish lad. "Ron aim for window."

"Hope you're happy, book worm!" George yelled dodging Lavender who came sailing through the air.

"ARRG! NO YELL AT MIONE, CLONE BOY! ARRG!" Ron chased his brothers out the room and down the hall with Hermione racing to keep up.

"Ronnie! Sweetie! You know I was only joking!"

Harry plopped down on the overstuffed chair that Ron had just vacated. He was so tired by now he didn't even mind that the cushion was still hot and sweaty. Don't you just hate that? At least the room was cleared and he had some time away from all the insanity. He laid a hand over his eyes for a while, just taking in cleansing breaths. Of course he didn't notice when a flaming dog's head appeared beside him. There for neither did he mind that it was watching him curiously.

"Um Sorry. This a bad time?" The head asked.

Dropping the hand but not yet opening his eyes the boy answered lazily, "Actually I was hoping to get a little ---

"Aaaaaaaahhhhh!" Harry had finally glanced at the fireplace and jumped to his feet.

"Aaahhh!" The head responded.

"Aaahhh!"

"What?! What?! What is it?!" The disembodied head was franticly trying to look over it's non existent shoulders.

"You! You're a flaming dog's head!"

"Really? Last I looked I was just a dog. Oh I suppose you're still not used to using the floo." Harry now remembered the last time he was contacted through a fireplace.

"Wh-Who are you? What do you want from me?"

"Calm down, Harry. It's me. It's Remus. Remus Lupin."

"What are you doing here? Why do you look like that? Are you spying?! Are you checking up on me again?"

"W-uh-No of course not, Harry, I-I-I..."

"Why not? I've got a mad wizard after me you know! Or don't you care about _that_ anymore?" Harry crossed his arms and turned his back.

"No. I haven't forgotten."

"Don't I merit a little concerned stalking these days?" He spat over the shoulder. "Oh you could pick up an owl once in a while. Just to know I'm not lying in a ditch somewhere."

"Listen I only meant..."

"What am I chopped liver?"

"Of course I care. Look, I'm just flooing to let you know that something terrible has happened. That's all."

"Oh." The Boy-Who-Freaked-Out calmed down again. "Wait. What do you mean something terrible? What's wrong?"

"Now then, Harry, you know how we've always discussed the possibility of something going wrong with the moon."

"The what?"

"The moon, Harry."

"What moon?"

"The Earths moon."

"Oh. Right."

"Yes well it would appear that I've been turning into a werewolf without it, as you can see. Fortunately I've managed to keep my wits about me."

"That's strange."

"Yes and what's more, I feel oddly compelled to go to Hogwarts, well that and eat you of course. I thought you might let me know if there's anything unusual going on there as of late."

"Anything unusual." Sigh. "How long have you got?"


	4. Two Rooms One Morning

(A/N: Interesting bit of trivia here. Turns out War**wick** Davis, who plays Flit**wick** in the movie, also played **Wick**et, in Return of the Jedi. Did not know that when I started this.)

Seamus, Lavender, Dean and well, various other characters we care very little about, were hanging out in the Great Hall before classes.

Padma had just finished plucking out every last hair from her eye brows and was now attempting to draw them back in. "Bugger!" She said to Pravati. "I can never get mine to look like yours." She now had two black lines _pointing to_, rather than _arching over_ her eyes (which incidentally no one's ever fallen into or gotten lost in).

Pravati, having had a bit more artistic ability, had drawn in place of the left brow a cabin-by-the-lake landscape in the style of Bob Ross. Hey if people can tell it's not real you might as well go with it.

"How do you get the reflection on the water to look so real?" Padma huffed, throwing down her pencil. Pravati just shrugged and began adding ducks.

"Hey, Padma. Pravati." Dean and Seamus had walked up to them. "Sign our petition?" They offered a clipboard to the girls.

"What's it for."

"We're trying to negotiate larger parts for minor students in the movies."

"Last time I almost got to walk past the camera!" Lee Jordan practically beamed as he spoke. Then crossing his fingers he added "My agent tells me the prospects are good for a spin off series; 'Lee Jordan and the Temple of Broom'."

"Heh." Pravati huffed. "Good luck. Padma and I were promised a larger part in PoA. Spent three months shooting a sequence where we caught the snitch, won the house cup, and foiled Voldemort."

"You're kidding! What happened?"

"Got cut. They _claim_ it didn't test well with the fans. _'Didn't happen in the book'_ They said. _'Not close enough to canon.'_ And then they go and read rubbish like this!"

Just then a little ball, about the size of a giant marble, only smaller, but not quite as small as a tiny jawbreaker, came rolling in on the floor. Mrs. Norris came barreling around the corner and pounced on it. As she started up a one cat soccer frenzy, Finch came in behind her.

"'ere!" He growled at the students. "Any-a youz seen 'at little four-eyed woman with the cowlicks?" Everyone looked at each other shaking their heads.

"You mean the cult lady?" Dean asked pulling out some pink pamphlets from his robes. "She gave me these yesterday."

Finch snatched them from the boys hand and read the cover. "Where Does Tonks Fit Into _Your_ Fiction: The ten most common questions about the witch in our own image."

"Low profile!" He shouted "She promised Dumbledor, not to mention the readers. When I find 'at little self-inserting anti-sue..." He crumpled the pamphlets in his fist and grumbled some indiscernible obscenities. Of course I know what they were but I'm not telling.

"Come along Mrs. Norris!" She was still playing with the little ball. "An' leave that be. You don't know where it's been."

On his way out Finch ran into a group of Slytherins causing a mess of high tech equipment to fall out of their robes. He ignored them and walked on.

"Squib." One of them mumbled. "Come on. Better gather it up fast. Vader wants these on his desk by the start of class."

Crunch.

Pansy had stepped on something. "Don't suppose you really need one of these for a death star." She said inspecting the damage. Then she kicked it under a sofa chair and scrambled up a flight of stairs after the others.

The last thing the Gryphindors heard her say was, "Ah well, Vader seems like an understanding fella."

Dean picked up the make shift cat toy. At first it appeared to be only a squishy white ball. Then it spun around and revealed an iris staring straight at him.

"Yiiiiaaahh!" He screamed and dropped it to floor, where it promptly rolled to the wall, peaked around the corner, and made dash to the stairs. "Yeeeuuuhhh." The boy shook all over, having been hit with a mad bout of the screaming-willies.

Aaawooooo!

"Is that a wolf?" Lavender asked. Lupin stumbled into the Great Hall in wolf form. He was circling franticly but seemed to have some control over his actions.

"I think he's trying to tell us something." Lavender said. "What is it, boy? What's wrong?"

"Ra roo-ree rah-ree ree-run rell!" The pooch barked.

"Oh my gosh! Moody's fallen down a well!"

"That's not it." Dean corrected. "What's that? ...Five words. ...Six syllables. ...First word..."

"I know!" Seamus exclaimed. "He's telling us to check 'the booty on Katie Bell'." Whack! Katie slapped him up side the head.

"The moon is making me unwell!" Padma screamed as she jumped up and down shaking her fists.

Lupin touched one paw to his nose and pointed to her with the other. The other kids patted her on the back saying, "Right on. Good guess."

"Shh. Quite. He's trying to say something else." Said Dean.

"Run."

"Hum. Sounds like 'bun'. Or 'fun' perhaps."

"No I think he's saying 'run'." Seamus didn't like the way the older man was staring at them. "As in... RUN!"

Lupin made a grab for Pravati and missed.

"Ahhhhhh!" The students scrambled in every direction, running into each other.

Harry, Ron, and Hermione walked into their first class of the day, which was divination. Harry had just finished explaining to them what happened in the common room after Ron's little episode.

"Well that is odd." Hermione was pondering this conundrum. "There isn't supposed to be a full moon for another week and a half. And you say he feels compelled to come here?"

"Yes. Well that and to eat me of course, but he was already part wolf by then." Harry suddenly got a sour look on his face. "At least I _hope_ that explains the cravings."

They took their seats and noticed that, for some reason, telephones had been placed at each desk. "You know Tonks can look into it. She's following me around under cover."

"Oh really?" Ron arched two eyebrows.

"Stop that. I'm getting yen for Mc. Nuggets. And yes _really_. Dumbledor wants her to spy on me for my own protection."

"Ah so we're going with _that_ plot. I like the ones where she has to be your teacher." Ron put one hand on his stomach and did spirit fingers with the other. "Got it bad. Got it bad. Got it bad." He sang. "I'm hot for teacha." Hermione stomped on his foot. "Ow! Baka... Ow!"

"I looked it up." She answered him with a cold glare.

"Any way." Ron continued. "She's alright for you, Harry. Nice enough to look at. But you know sometimes if you squint your eyes..."

"Ya. Ya. I know." Harry tried to cut him off.

"Tilt your head a little..."

"Look that's beside the point!"

At that moment Philosopher bolted into the room and quickly stashed herself behind a curtain. Moody came shortly after and stopped in the doorway. His eye was missing. "Alright. Where've you got to you slytherin dingo's?"

She popped her head out from behind the curtains. Moody started. "Sorry Miss. Thought you were a slytherin." A troop of students in green scarves could be seen behind him in the hall. They were pushing and pulling on a monstrous laser canon. "They're up to something." He mused in a suspicious tone.

"Oh. What a relief." The writer said. "I thought you were Finch. He's after me."

"Why?" Asked Moody, peering at her with his one eye. "You wouldn't happen to be... _evil_ would you."

"Of course not." Philosopher spat, clearly offended. "Why if I'm not the very model of virtue and innocence then by golly my name is not Philosopher A. Devil."

"Moody, really." Hermione chastised him. "You've gone and upset her now."

"Sorry, miss." Moody apologized. "I get carried away sometimes." Another slytherin shuffled past him under the weight of an enormous generator. "But that's just the price one pays for constant vigilance." He added jabbing a finger at her.

"That's quite all right." Philosopher A. Devil spoke curtly. "Apology accepted."

"A. Devil. A. Devil." Moody said under his breath. Which is perhaps more difficult to do then one would think. The trick is to breath _and then_ speak, but you have to be quick about it. "Any relation to Mr. Road A. Devil?"

"Sadly yes. He is my father." There were so many simultaneous gasps that the room depressurized for a moment. She began to leave with Moody in tow. "He sends me post cards you know."

"Does he?"

"Oh yes. Azkaban is lovely this time of year." Just as they were leaving, the teacher walked in.

"Good marnin' ta ya'all." She said. "Mrs. Tralawny woke up dis marnin' wid a bad case of pink-terd-eye, I am sarry ta say. I will be yar teacher until her terd eye has once again de sight of de future."

It took the class a minute to figure out that 'terd' was actually 'third'. "My name," She began to spell it out in little flames with her wand. "....is Miss. Cleo."

The woman sat down at her desk and began to shuffle a deck of Tarot cards. "Now den. Wat you waiting far? Call Miss Cleo now."

Ron got excited and picked up the phone at his desk. "Will Gryphindor make it to the play-offs?"

"Ron!" Hermione grabbed the phone away from him. "There's only four teams and we don't even play against other schools."

"What's your point?"

She shoved the phone into Harry's hand without turning to look at the other boy. "The 'Big Game' is us against Slytherin. It's not exactly the World Cup."

"Allo caller? Ya der?"

"H-Hello?" Harry answered.

"I am seeing a man in your life, child. A dark man." Miss Cleo said, waving him over. He was hesitant to go but Ron's curiosity had been peeked.

He grabbed Harry by the elbow and pulled him over to the desk where they took their seats across from the woman with the fake accent. "I am seeing also aaa.... B?"

Harry stared blankly.

"No. No. It definitely be a Ddddd-T. It be a 'T'. Or possible dat be a 'V'."

"That's amazing!" Ron exclaimed, thinking of Voldemort. "How did you know?"

She leaned back and threw up her hands. "Miss Cleo knows. Listen, honey." She turned back to Harry. "You need to dump dis man. He is no good for you."

"Believe me I'd like to." Said Harry. "But I can't."

She turned over a card. "Because der is a child involved. I see dis as well."

"NO! No! God no!" His voice cracked a little "I'm a bloke!"

"Or possible dis is not _his_ child."

Ron was staring at the cards, looking thoroughly perplexed. There was a silence. He looked up. "Well don't look at me!"

"Look there's no kid." Harry went on.

"You can not hide dis from Miss Cleo." She pushed two cards together. "I am seeing 'you-know-who' here wit de child."

"She knows his name." Ron whispered in awe.

"Well I suppose the child could be me." Harry turned to Ron. "You know when I first met him."

"Der is an age gap! Of course! Dees May/December tings never work out, honey. You need to find yourself someone new."

Harry was blushing fiercely and refused to look anyone in the eye. He seemed to be suddenly fascinated with Miss Cleo's shoe. And who could blame him. It was really quite an intriguing paradigm of foot apparel... Wait a tick.

Tonks!

(A/N: I want to thank everyone for their inspiring reviews and wonderful encouragement. (Jack Nicholson voice) You make want to be a better writer.

I would also like to apologize for not updating sooner. The only time I can focus on writing is between 2 and 5 in the morning! I literally have to choose between this and sleep.

Plus I made the mistake of starting another story and now I have to choose between the two each time I write.

Warning: Shameless Plug Ahead!

It's called "Weekend Warrior". Read that and "Fifty Ways to Grieve Your Sue-er".

So anyway, honk if you like Honks! ;-)


	5. Author's Note: Funniest Chapter Yet!

It has come to my attention that it is customary for a fan fic writer to thank reviewers individually at the end of each chapter. I have been remiss in doing so until now. Here now I choose to respond to a recent review by The Omakeer.

**The Omakeer 2004-07-18 4 Signed**

**What are you on and where can i get some. i don't think i've read three other fics that are weirder than this, and only one other that was crazier. stick with the craziness and post again soon (and if possible, put an orgy in the next one.)**

Well as for the uh request, I could do it in the next chap but it wouldn't fit the story at all. Show of hands who wants to read an installment tentatively titled "The Lemon Orgy"?

What am I on? (scratches head) Well nothing at the moment. But I won't lie to you, I have had a spotted past. You see there was a real hard time in my life a few years back when I had it bad. Yes it's true.

Hello, my name is Philosopher A. Devil, and I...

...was hooked on phonics.

I started using at the age of six. Oh sure it was innocent enough at first. A few Dr. Suess Books here and there. But then a friend introduced me to the "Ramona Quimby" series. The rest was a blur. Before I knew it I was sneaking pocket dictionaries up my sleeve just to hold me over during recess. Pretty soon I was experimenting with anything I could get my hands on, religious pamphlets, shirt tags with washing instructions on them, anything!

Sure my family knew. They had to have suspected something when my palms got sweaty with anticipation of the next Sesame Street. You know what I'm talking about. That rush in the blood when the two headed monster starts going Tr- -ain. Tr- -ain. Tr- -ain (_cough_)Spotting.

Anyway fast forward about fifteen years. One night my dealer/librarian beat me to within an inch of my life using only the Sunday edition of New York Times. Don't pity me. That's what happens to readers who can't pay their over-dues. Anyway I was found in a return bin the next morning covered in paper cuts.

But I didn't hit rock bottom until I woke up in a Half Price somewhere in Albuquerque under a pile of Seventeen Magazines. That's when I knew that I could sink no lower. I mean there I was reeking of perfume samples and thoroughly disgusted with myself.

So I got help. And thankfully, for me there was a happy ending to the sorted, if not delightfully entertaining, story of my life. Yes, my friends, salvation came in the form of a box, a box that would become my window to the world. I am a born-again couch potato.

I've been clean and sober and dumb for about eighteen months now. It would have been two years but I fell off the wagon with Order of The Phoenix.

And so I have come today as a guest speaker with a special appeal. Stop reading these things! If you won't listen to your family and friends, during the commercials when they have time, then perhaps you will listen to someone who's been down the road you're on right now. There is nothing at the end of that path except higher learning and near-sighted spectacles.

I wish to spread the word. Well I would like to but the word is way over there on the coffee table and I don't feel like getting up right now. :-D


	6. Mellow Yellow and My Burrito

(A/N: My deepest apologies. You see I've actually had this, a pile of other scenes, and the entire ending sequence already writen since the second chapter went up. I just can't get the sequencing right. You know like what has to happen first second and third. Sometimes I think I've posted something and I haven't because I can't without posting something else that... oh it's just a mess! Anyway I'm just gonna take a chance posting this so I can move on. I hope I won't ruin the sequence of events.

Oh and BTW, CaptinCrash, The Omakeer, and Seraphina Pyra, it's coming just not quite yet. Chapter 7 or 8 'kay!)

After class Harry stuck around to have a little chat with '_Miss Cleo'_.

"I suppose you think that was really quite clever, Nymphadora." He said. Tonks winced.

"Don't call me that." She fumed "Your godfather used to call me that all the time, just to tease me." A sly smile came to her lips. "That is until I found out that his birth name wasn't 'Sirius Black'. He changed it."

Harry's face scrunched in confusion. "Well if it's not 'Sirius Black' then...?"

"Mellow Yellow."

He was clearly shocked. "They called him _Mellow Yellow_?!"

"Quite rightly."

Harry still couldn't tear his eyes off of that blasted riveting shoe. "It was the shoe what gave me away wasn't it? I almost failed stealth and concealment because of that bloody wonderful bit of fascinating footwear." They both stared at it for while before Harry remembered about Lupin.

"Oh." He said. "I meant to ask you, Is it possible for someone to become a wolf without the moon?"

"Depends. Are we talking Run-Of-The-Mill wolf or Athena Wiccan-wolf."

"Athena what?"

"Quite vicious. Unpredictable. I knew one that disemboweled a chap just for writing a lousy lemon."

"Good lord!"

"Ah. Just give 'em a chew toy, a rub behind the ear, make 'em laugh, and their yours for life. (A/N: Don't kill me! I like your reviews!)

While their team was running drills before the day's game, George and Fred were setting up a stand for Harry Potter paraphernalia.

ZOOM! Something shot past them.

"What was that?"

"I don't know." They went back to checking their stock.

"Seeker Sneakers."

"Check."

"Potter Pot."

"Got it." George said pulling out a cooking pot.

"Fifty pairs of dark round glasses."

Zoom! Zoom!

"There it is again."

Zoom. THWAP!

Draco Malfoy had come speeding into the wall behind them on his firebolt. When the dust cleared they could see he was wearing an odd looking helmet with a blinder over the eyes.

"Hooch!" Malfoy cried out to the coach. "I don't think this thing is working! Are you sure I can use the force to sense the snitch?"

"Course not. Just wanted to see you do that." She answered walking up to them. "What's this? Why are the Gryphindor beaters here when they should be running drills."

"What's the use? Harry's just gonna catch the snitch any way."

"Not if I can't find him. Either of you two seen him?"

"Didn't you send him a memo that he'd be training with Flitwick in the forest today?" Fred pointed them out over Hooch's shoulder.

Sure enough, there was Harry swinging on vines and running through the forest like an obstacle course. Professor Flitwick was riding piggy back.

"When conquered your fears you have, then ready to face Vader you will be."

"Flitwick!" Hooch yelled. "I thought I warned you about tricking my players into giving you rides across campus!"

"Weee! Let's swing again! Oops." He caught sight of Hooch glaring at them. "Um. That's enough for today. Let's just head back to the castle for now."

Hermione came out to watch them practice. She was wearing a red turtleneck with a short red skirt and matching knee high socks.

"Look, Harry." She said, "Red for Gryphindor."

"Really?" Said George. "Thought it was a costume for Scarlet Woman," He took up a super hero stance. "Avenger of botched reputations."

"Fighting for all that is sorted and scandalous." Fred added.

"Watch it, Doublemint." She said cracking her knuckles. "You don't need an Every Flavor Bean to know what a knuckle sandwich tastes like."

"Eep!" Squealed the blonde boy, who had been eavesdropping, before scurrying off.

"Hermione." George began his sales pitch. "If you really want to show your support for Harry try a pair of these." He pulled out a pair of glasses. "Proceeds benefit Dumbledor's Army." He unpacked a few tee shirts which read "I'm An Ace Wizard in Dumbledor's Army!" on the back. And "Proud Dumb-ace" was on the front.

"The Weasley Twins in charge of a charitable fundraiser." She said with a skealthy dose of hepticism. I mean a healthy dose of skepticism. "Well put a ventriloquist in charge of a kissing booth, why don't you."

I'll give you a moment to let that one sink in.

Get it yet?

Ventriloquist? Kissing booth?

Oh for crying out... They don't move their lips!

Professors Flitwick and McGonagall were heading down many secret passages to the ultra exclusive new teacher's lounge. "And there's a cappuccino maker and an on site masseuse." McGonagall was gushing.

"Splendid, Minerva! Splendid." They came up to the last passage. Instead of a portrait asking for a password there was a simple payphone. She picked up the receiver.

"Name?" A voice on the line requested.

"Bob Weadababyitsaboy."

"Wrong number." She hung up and the wall flew open.

"Security measures." She explained.

"My." Flitwick said, clearly impressed. "New security, new lounge. Just last year the we were taking budgeting tips from the Weasleys. Dumbledor almost sold Harry to You Know Who at a yard sale."

"Yes well." Minerva, and I can call her that cause I'm on a first name basis with all the characters, looked away in a very suspicious manner. "Hogwarts has recently made a deal with an new benefactor that should insure security and keep us properly funded."

They arrived at the lounge. The door was roped off and beside it, Hagrid sat on a stool. He was inspecting a line of teachers. "Awright. You. You and you." He unhooked the rope and let three of them in. "Ah. Professors Flitwick and McGonagall. It's awright. You're expected. Go right on a head."

Swish. The doors parted and Flitwick walked in without looking a head. "What sort of deal..." He began to ask but was cut off.

A team of storm troopers fell in behind him, with blasters at his back. Vader, who was sitting at the end of a table across the room, rose to his feet.

"Sorry, old friend." Mini said, placing a gentle hand on the shoulder of her colleague. "It was either you or the sauna."

Flitwick reached for his wand but Vader was faster.

"Accio wand." He said and it flew across the table into hand of Tall-Dark-And-Han... More-Dark. "So glad you could join us." He said. They glared at each for what seemed like an eternity. Neither one willing to release the other from a steely gaze.

BEEEEP!!!!!!!

"Excuse me." Said Sprout who was off to the side. "That's my burrito in the microwave. I'll just..." She hurried across the gap between the two. "'Scuse me. Sorry. Thank you."


	7. Magic Idol

If any one has seen the plot to this story I ask you to please return it to it's rightful home. It's a small mixed breed hairless. I just left the chapter open and when I got back it was gone. So if you will just leave a post on the review board I would appreciate it. And there's a frightened plot out there somewhere that would as well. Please help reunite Snuffles with his loving, if not neglectful, owner.

Have you seen me?    **(:-o{**

The Gryphandor, pardon me, Gryffindor common room had been cleared of it's usual decor and was presently furnished only with a single table and chairs. Filch was wearing a set of headphones and operating a large studio camera which was trained on Hagrid at the moment. "We're on in five, four, three, two..." He said.

"Hello and welcome to the wizzarding world's latest and greatest reality series, 'Magic Idol'." The tall man said. "I'm your host, Rubeus Hagrid. Tonight we hold open auditions for the funniest cross-over characters in film, television, and literature. The winner, as you know, will be signed to a contract to appear in an up coming episode of 'Nothing Sacred'. But first each contestant will have to survive being subjected to unforgiving scrutiny from our panel of judges." Filch turned the camera on the table where sat two women and one man in the middle. "So get ready to see a few raw talents, rotten tomato's, and more surprises than you can shake a wand at.

"But first let's get acquainted with our guest judges and thank them for coming today." The woman on the left had brown eyes and hair, pale skin with light freckles, and wore a lot of purple. She was waving sprightly to the camera and had a big smile on her face like this :-D "Please welcome Seraphina Pyra..."

"...The Omakeer..." The man had messy brown hair that made him look like a little like Harry only with psychotic hazel eyes. He paid no mind to the camera and chose instead to lean back with his arms crossed and his leg thumping impatiently.

"...And last but not least CaptainCrash." The final judge on the right had her hair dyed bright red and wore a pale blue flamingo shirt. Her eyes refused to pick a color and stick with it. They were vacillating like a psychedelic screen saver.

A rattling of armor could be heard coming down the steps of the girls dorm. "Our first contestant hails from the village of Domrémy. Let's see if she can make this trio laugh." A woman emerged in shining armor that had the number 138 taped to the breast plate.

"You say that you are my judge," The woman began in a thick French accent, "I don't know if you are [or not]; but take care not to judge wrongly, lest you place yourself in great danger; and [I] notify you of this, so that if our Lord punishes you for it, I will have done my duty in telling you."

"That was dreadful." said The Omakeer. "I don't know who ever told you that you were funny."

"Zat iz a bit 'arsh, no?"

"Well that's the way we do things on this show."

"Not you, Monsieur. I was speaking to the voice in my 'ead. What's that? Fire and brimstone?" She eyed The Omakeer. "Per'aps."

"Watch the skies, Big O." Said Hagrid. "Up next is a real funny bones who's come all the way down from his 'penthouse with a view' to tickle our ribs." An old man with the number 245 on his white robes came from the boy's dorm. He had a staff and long white hair.

"The eye is moving." He said solemnly. Suddenly a little white ball rolled across the floor with Mrs. Norris chasing after.

"Yep. There it goes." Said Hagrid.

"A modest performance." Said CappyCrash "You've got potential but really I'd like to see you do more in terms of... hey wait a minute. Did you just call me 'Cappy'?"

"It's a nickname." Said the narrator.

"Well duh. CaptainCrash is a nickname already. I mean do you think my parents put that on a birth certificate?"

"It's possible if they were hippies."

CappyCrash passed her hand in front of her. "You will not call me 'Cappy'"

"I will not call you 'Cappy'." The narrator's face had become blank. (more so than usual)

"Hey cool!" Said Pyra. "How'd you do that?"

"Jedi mind trick." Answered El Capitán de Desplome.

The Omakeer suddenly became excited. "Righteous! Let me try!" He passed his hand in the same manner as CaptainCrash. "You will write a lemon orgy."

"I will write a lemon orgy."

"Aye! No fair! I want a turn too." Seraphina tried to wave her hand but The Omakeer blocked the move.

"Wait your turn. I'm not done yet."

"People, please." Hagrid tried to placate them. "We have a show to do."

Seraphina was still trying to shout over The Omakeer. "You will put more smiles in your text! You will have Harry dump Tonks and fall for me in the end!" Everyone gave her a look. "What? We've got a lot in common. He lived. I've lived."

"That's debatable." Crash quipped.

"I think I'll go home and rethink my life." Said the narrator, still entranced.

"No one told you to do that."

"Still a good idea."

"Way to go, Crash. With the narrator gone, how are the readers going to know who's talking?"

"Well, Omakeer, I guess we'll just have to address each other by name each time we talk."

"Well er.. this is Hagrid speaking again. And now ladies and gentlemen a comedy tag team that has been putting the 'super' in supernatural since the early nineties."

"Thank you, Hag. Whew, boy. Does it feel good to play a Hogwarts crowd again. I tell you, Scully and I just flew in from the muggle world and boy is our car tired."

"Oh Mulder, you're terrible. But seriously folks we did just fly in from the muggle world and boy have I got a broom wedgie. OWCH!!" Ba dum pishhh.

"Say, Dana, what do you get when you send your garden gnome to the big city?"

"I don't know. What?"

"A metronome. Get it, metro-gnome? Thank you! You've been a wonderful audience. Fly safely and don't forget to tip your house elf."

"Let's see what our judges have to say about that performance. The Omakeer?"

"You twisted freak! What are you on?"

"Up next, an adventurous fella who... whoa! Now wait just a moment, sir, there are no bullwhips allowed in here." Whip-ah! "Ow! #$%! Watch were ya smack that thing you ing ...

...I shouldn'a said that."

"Name? Oh sorry this is Pyra speaking. Just so you know. Name?"

"Jones. Friends just call me Indiana."

" ;-) Go on."

"Snape. Why'd it have to be Snape?"

" :-) "

"That's it. That- That's my joke. Am I in?"

"Pathetic."

"What? But you're smiling."

"Your dog is pathetic."

"Oh. I see well I suppose a little constructive criticism is..."

"You are **I-Went-To-The-Prom-With-My-Cousin** pathetic."

"Aaaah hum. Well I will certainly consider that and work on it in the future."

"Yo mamma so pathetic, _trekkies_ don't even answer her e-mails."

"Everyone's entitled to their opinion."

"You're so pathetic, you stay up all night writing Harry Potter stories and get sweaty palms when you hear the review alert."

"HEY! Now that's just going _too_ far!"

" :-) Where's my pumpkin juice? Hey look, guys. They charmed a refreshment cart to roll in on it's own."

"I can see that, Pyra. Says me, The Omakeer. You never realize how _useful_ a narrator is."

"Aw. They put fine linens and silver lidded platters and everything. How nice."

"Wait a minute. sniff sniff. Could it be? Is that... lemon I smell?"

"Yeah now that you mention it I do smell something."

"It's here! It's here!"

"Calm down, Omakeer. You're creeping me out with the rubbing your hands and drooling bit."

"Don't spoil this for me, Cappy. I finally got my lemon... _meringue_?! This isn't what I ordered! I wanted an orgy. I specifically said 'orgy'!"

"Don't those take a long time to make?"

"Yeah I think you're right, Cappy. You should have ordered a few days in advance, Omakeer."

"But it's been weeks!"

"Dobby apologizes to Master O. He mustn't be angry with Philosopher."

"Oh, Dobby. You were pushing the cart. Didn't see you there. What are you doing? What's that you've got there? Look out, Omakeer! He's got a bat!"

"Where does Master O want it?"

"Ah!"

"Um, Cappy? Omakeer? Where's that wind coming from? It's getting really strong. Oh wow! Hey what's going on? Somebody better start narrating this! The readers are missing out on quite a spectacle!"

"Right! This is Rubeus Hagrid reporting to you live from the Griffindor common room where something amazing has just started happening right this moment. It would appear... yes it would seem that a freak gale force wind has blown in here and is now carrying off all the remaining contestants. Watch out there Mr. Sterling! Hang on to that window seal good and tight!"

"Little do I know, I'm about to be blown into... The Twilight Zone."

"There goes Salem and Sabrina. Folks this is getting out of hand. If you have a shelter we advise you to go there now! Wait a minute now. I can just make out something outside the window. I believe it's yes it's a witch on a broom."

"I'll get you, my pretty, and your little dog too."

"Oh hello, Professor? Nice night for it. The only ones left are yep that's it for the entire casts of Star Trek and Babylon 5. Pity. Hang on. The winds going down. Judges, you alright there?"

"Sure."

"Fine."

" :-) "

"There appears to be a new development in this late breaking story, readers. A pretty young thing is just arriving on the east wind. Hallo, Miss. And you are?"

"Mary Poppins; practically perfect in everyway."

"Uh huh." ... "Listen ummm Mary Sue Poppins."

"Just 'Mary Poppins'. If you please."

"Right. I'm CaptainCrash. This here is Seraphina Pyra and The Omakeer. The thing is see, we've already filled our quota for Mary-Sue jokes."

"Poppy cock. I've told you, I'm Mary Poppins; practically..."

"Practically perfect yadda yadda yadda. We've all seen the movie."

"Now. Now. There's no need to be supercalafragilistic. Here I'll show you. Oh where did I put that thing? Heavens. I know I put in somewhere in my magic carpet bag. What's this? A floor lamp. A coat rack. A fully loaded nine millimeter. Strictly for hunting of course. Goodness. Where did I put that thing? Hum. Why did I put basil leaf in a little plastic bag? Woops. You didn't see that. It was planted. I swear."

"Hey. I have a bag like that. Hand me that bag Omakeer. No no. The one with Audrey Hepburn on it. That's it. Give it here. Now we just open it up and..."

"Let us out! She just grabbed Ron and Harry and I and just stuffed us in here! It's cramped and I can't breath!"

"Hey some people steal the ash trays. Don't look at me like that. I made air holes. And if you three don't stop making such a fuss I won't drop in those dinner rolls I promised."

"Ah. Here it is. My old tape measure. Now just hold that end down at my feet please, Miss Crash was it? See there? 'Practically Perfect'. And how do you measure up? Hum. 'Good Writer Hasn't Updated' "

"Hey!"

"What about you? Yes you, sir, with the messy brown hair. Let's see. Oh my. Oh my! Oh heavens! That's scandalous!"

"Oo. Oo. Do me."

"Secretly Listens To Barry Manalow."

"EEP! I-I I don't know what you're talking about. I never... I don't like you. Go away."

"What about you, sir, with the beard?"

"Pardon me, Miss, but I don't think your little measure is quite... long enough."

"Hello. Remember me? Cappy? Doh! Now I'm saying it."

"Don't fuss, dear. What is it?"

"I can talk to the author. We might be able to squeeze in one more Mary-Sue bit but I make no promises."

"LISTEN! I've told you, I'm no friggin' Mary-Sue! I've been sweeping chimneys to make ends meet! I NEED THIS PART! So either you arrange for that to happen or I'm going open this umbrella where the medicine DON'T go down!"

(A/N: Snuffles is that you?! Woops. Sorry, Lupin.

Here at Philosopher A. Devil Incorporated, we are committed to _your_ funny bone. We will not give up until something has shot out of your nose with laughter. Or any orifice will do.

Come join our family of satisfied customers.

Philosopher A. Devil; Corrupting readers since 2001.


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